My name was written across the front in his messy handwriting.
“Sally.”
That was all.
Dr. Rivers hesitated.
“He also said you didn’t have to open it today.”
I almost laughed.
My name was written across the front.
“That’s generous of him.”
He gave me a sad smile.
Then I walked away carrying the last secret my husband had kept from me.
***
Two months earlier, secrets hadn’t been part of our marriage.
Baby names were.
“That’s generous of him.”
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“Absolutely not,” I’d told Mark.
“You rejected it too fast.”
“You suggested Clementine.”
We were sitting on our porch, his hand resting on my six-month belly.
“It’s a strong name.”
“You rejected it too fast.”
“For an orange.”
Mark laughed.
Even then, the sound caught slightly in his chest.
“Fine. Cecelia.”
I looked at him.
Even then, the sound caught slightly in his chest.
“Cecelia?”
“My grandmother used to sing that song with the name in it.”
“You said she sang everything badly.”
“Still counts.”
“That’s not a reason to name a human being.”
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“It made you smile.”
“You said she sang everything badly.”
“Cecelia,” I said quietly.
The baby kicked beneath his hand.
Mark’s eyebrows lifted.
“See? She voted.”
“She kicked you.”
“Strong approval.”
The baby kicked beneath his hand.
I covered his hand with mine.
“Cecelia.”
This time, it sounded like our daughter’s name.
We’d wanted her for years.
Then, six months into my pregnancy, Mark got sick.
We’d wanted her for years.
The doctors gave him no more than three months. He probably wouldn’t live long enough to meet her.
***
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One evening, we sat on the porch again while Cecelia kicked hard enough to make my shirt move.
Mark watched the spot for a few seconds, then rested his hand over it.
“If they can use anything when the time comes, I want to donate.”
I turned toward him.
The doctors gave him no more than three months.
“Please don’t talk about dying while she’s kicking.”
“That’s exactly why I have to, sweetheart.”
“Mark.”
His thumb moved slowly across my stomach.
“If I can’t watch her grow up, maybe somebody else gets more time with their family.”
“Don’t make dying sound noble. I’m already angry enough.”
“That’s exactly why I have to, sweetheart.”
His eyes lifted to mine.
“I’m scared too, Sal.”
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“I don’t know how to do this without you, Mark.”
“You don’t have to know yet.”
“What if I never know?”
He was quiet for a moment.
“I’m scared too, Sal.”
“Then you’ll make it up as you go.”
I looked away.
“That’s a terrible plan.”
“It’s the only honest one I’ve got.”
I hated that answer.
“Then you’ll make it up as you go.”
***
By my eighth month, Mark had gotten weaker much faster than we’d expected.
One morning, I found him standing in front of the bedroom mirror, fighting with the buttons on his shirt.
“Give me that.”
“I’ve got it, Sally.”
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“You’ve put the third button into the fourth hole.”
He looked down.
“Give me that.”
“Fashion.”
“You look like a confused accordion.”
That pulled a tired laugh out of him.
I stepped closer and fixed the buttons.
His hands had started shaking more often.
“Don’t look at me like that,” he said.
“You look like a confused accordion.”
“Like what?”
“Like you’re memorizing me.”
I stopped.
“I wasn’t.”
“You were.”
I finished the last button and smoothed his collar.
“Like you’re memorizing me.”
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“I want to remember everything so I can tell our daughter who you really were.”
His expression changed, but before either of us could say more, he caught my wrist.
“My mom asked about the donation again.”
Violet had always been warm with me.
