All these years.
“Why?”
Daniel swallowed. “That’s what we fought about.”
My head snapped up.
“Tell me.”
Richard had kept it.
He sat on the floor across from me, still wearing my ridiculous old dress.
“Four months ago, Dad called me over. He could barely walk that week, remember?”
I did.
“He asked me to bring down a box from the attic. I thought it was insurance papers or something.”
“He asked me to bring down a box from the attic.”
Daniel looked at the earring.
“Then he pulled this dress out.”
“What did he say?”
Daniel rubbed both palms against his knees.
“He asked me a question.”
“What question?”
His eyes lifted to mine.
“He asked when the last time was that you did something just because you wanted to.”
“He asked me a question.”
My voice completely failed me.
Daniel continued, “I told him I didn’t know.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“Is it?”
I bristled. “I do things I want.”
“Like what?”
“I…”
The answer should have been easy.
It wasn’t.
The answer should have been easy.
***
Daniel looked away first.
“Dad couldn’t answer either.”
I tugged at my collar.
“He started talking about vacations,” Daniel recalled . “He said every vacation we’d ever taken was somewhere he wanted to go, somewhere I wanted to go, or somewhere that worked with school.”
“He started talking about vacations.”
“Families compromise,” I said.
“I know.”
“He was sick, Danny. He was emotional.”
“I agree.”
“Then what?”
Daniel braced himself.
“He said your whole life had become lists.”
I stared at him.
“What does that mean?”
“He said your whole life had become lists.”
“Grocery lists. Medication lists. Things I needed in college. Things Dad needed for treatment. People’s birthdays. Appointments.”
He rubbed his face.
“He said he couldn’t remember the last time he’d asked what you wanted without already giving you choices.”
“He said he couldn’t remember the last time he’d asked what you wanted.”
My chair scraped backward as I stood.
“Your father was dying. He didn’t need to spend his last months inventing reasons to feel guilty.”
Daniel stood too.
“He wasn’t asking me to make him feel better.”
“Then what did he want?”
“He wasn’t asking me to make him feel better.”
Daniel went silent.
There it was again.
The silence that had swallowed four months of my son’s life.
“Danny.”
“He wanted me to give you the dress after he died.”
“That’s all?”
“No.”
“He wanted me to give you the dress after he died.”
His eyes filled.
“He wanted me to turn down my new job, move back here after he was gone, and make sure you didn’t spend the rest of your life caring for everyone except yourself.”
I stared at him.
“He asked you to give up your move?”
“He wanted me to turn down my new job.”
“He asked me to become your new supervisor. Call every day. Make sure you ate. Choose where you traveled. Decide when you’d helped other people enough.”
My knees hit the carpet before I realized I’d moved.
Daniel dropped beside me.
“That’s why we fought, Mom.”
My knees hit the carpet before I realized I’d moved.
“He told me you were going to tell everybody you were fine,” he added. “That you’d organize his funeral, feed everyone afterward, answer every phone call, clean the house, and make yourself useful until nobody noticed you were falling apart.”
I thought about the sympathy-card box I’d nearly carried out of the room five minutes earlier.
“He told me you were going to tell everybody you were fine.”
Daniel saw the recognition on my face.
“That’s why I got angry,” he said.
“But why leave?”
“Because he kept saying, ‘Somebody has to make sure your mother is okay.'”
Daniel’s voice rose.
“And I said, ‘Why don’t you tell Mom this yourself?'”
“Somebody has to make sure your mother is okay.”
I pressed one hand against the carpet.
“What did he say?”
Daniel looked at me.
“He said you were carrying enough.”
I closed my eyes.
Of course he did.
Richard had said those words hundreds of times.
“He said you were carrying enough.”
