I said: yes.
He said: okay.
He said it in the way he said things when he was putting them in order.
He said: Mom.
He said: can I sit in the front?
He usually sat in the back.
He was eight.
I said: yes.
He climbed between the seats.
He buckled himself in the passenger seat.
He put his feet on the dashboard.
I let him.
We drove home.
That evening, I sat with my mother.
She was better that day than the day before, which was how recovery went, in the uneven upward progression of a body doing its work.
She was sitting up.
She had eaten more at lunch.
She was herself in more of the ways that mattered.
I told her.
I told her carefully.
I told her the factual shape of it without the emotional weight, the way I had been trained to deliver difficult information, the way I had learned was kinder than the alternative.
She listened.
She was very still.
When I finished, she said: Jason.
Just his name.
I said: yes.
She said: how long?
I said: I don’t know.
She said: is he getting help?
I said: he went today.
She closed her eyes.
She said: I should have seen it.
I said: Mom.
She said: I was with him every day.
I said: he was hiding it.
She said: I’m a mother.
She said: I should have seen it.
I said: you were recovering from surgery.
She said: that’s not an excuse.
I said: it’s a reason.
She said: Sarah.
She said my name.
She said: is Tyler all right?
I said: yes.
I said: he’s better now that he doesn’t have to keep the secret.
She said: he kept it.
She said: he kept it alone.
I said: yes.
She said: for how long?
I said: a few weeks.
She said: and he slept outside my door.
I said: yes.
She closed her eyes again.
She said: my heart.
She said it about Tyler.
Not about her surgery.
She said: my heart.
She said: bring him to me.
I went to find Tyler.
He was in his room with his Legos.
He had been building things all afternoon, which is what he did when he was processing.
I said: Halmoni wants to see you.
He looked at me.
He said: does she know?
I said: yes.
He said: is she upset?
I said: yes.
He said: at me?
I said: not at you.
He said: at Uncle Jason?
I said: not exactly at Uncle Jason either.
He said: then at who?
I thought about this.
